HOLY AIRBEDS BATMAN!

I am terrible at remembering I even have a blog. Just thought I would come out and say that.

Alrighty everyone, it's a new year. It is 2010. That feels so weird to type out. And for the first time in 20 years I actually have a New Years Resolution. I didn't burn it on a tree or anything like that. It's not set in stone. It's just something I decided I would try and do. I didn't even think about blogging about it everyday until tonight while I was in the thinking area I have that most people commonly call a shower.

The New Years Resolution is to find out something new about myself everyday. Not a common resolution, but so far so good.
It's the 3rd, which means I have 3 things to tell you that I have found out.

We'll start in chronological order.

1. I am too nice.

I really honestly don't have a mean bone in my body. There is a fair share of people that really should know this but I doubt they do. If you want their names I will gladly give them to you and you can ask. They like to think they got away scot-free and that "it are all gonna be 'kay" but that's not always the case. I have a bad habit (nothing new found) of not telling people that I'm hurt or that my feelings are hurt. It's just how I've always been. "Dont cry over spilled milk." Well, sometimes that's that's ok. It's ok to be angry with the people who hurt you and do wrong at the stake of your feelings. It's ok to be disappointed in people. especially when you were just about to see the silver lining. Feeling let down is ok. But, we all learn to forgive. Time heals all wounds, or something like that. Not always, but mostly. I don't have forgiveness issues, thankfully.

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain" -- Jim Morrison

Man, I am just full of quotes today. :P

2. I am afraid to get close to people.

This kind of coincides with the other one. I actually think these will all end up being connected somehow.
I pointed this out to a friend about someone I know, and then it sort of stuck with me for the duration of the day. And I thought about it, and I thought about things that happened and it hit me. I don't mean to say I'm afraid of new friend. I love new friends, bring on the people! I'm scared to intimacy. Alright! Mind out of the gutter please and thank you! Intimacy does not necessarily mean THAT, so don't even :P Closeness to a person you have a romantic affection for. I've been burned. Probably the worse kind of burns people could get. I've been lied to, cheated on, ignored, two-timed, left behind and erased. I've heard all the lines that can make me and that can break me. And they did. They definitely broke me. But I take the blows to my emotions and heart with stride. I really do. It's not entirely the fear of rejection. It's the fear of having that feeling again. Those butterflies. The tingley feeling in your toes. The smile that always somehow appears when you hear their name. The fear of having that feeling and then, as it always has been before, ripped out entirely from underneath you.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger, right?

Alrighty... Last one for today. You're excited I know, it's almost over. :P

3. I'm sarcastic, inventive, too smart, and I still like you.

That's three I know but I'm counting it as one, ok?
Sarcastic -- I have a dry sense of humor. Please learn to love it? :P

Inventive -- If anyone other than my best friend Nick Jackson heard the ideas I have and the things I come up with on a daily basis I would probably be considered a psychopath. But, it's something about me I actually really love. :]

Too smart -- Which is why I was erased from someones life. Or... They attempted to rather. It's not working very well, and that is as it should be.
I'm honest with people. I am honest with everyone. And I truly believe that in turn for that everyone should be honest with me. Fat chance that will ever happen. But a girl can dream can't she? :p

It's ten minutes to midnight and I have a job to get to by 8 tomorrow morning. So, I'm gonna wrap this cute little blog up.

Thanks for reading. I'll try and be good about posting these things. :P

♥