Monday, July 18, 2011
... I had parents I could coast off of until I'm 25, like most of the people I know. More importantly I wish I had parents who cared. Well, just a mom who did.
I'm 21 years old and I feel as though I am more grown up and have had more life lessons, trials, and just plain, "oh f**k this..." moments in my life than people who are 30.
You might think, "Whoa awesome her parents raised her to be strong and independent", yeah sure they may have... In the form of basically pinning a $20 bill to my collar at a bus stop and wishing me luck on my endeavors in life. Hypothetically of course.
My mother, the woman who birthed me, takes everything so personal and kind of gets offended when someone, other than herself, needs something.
For example, my sister and I were home schooled and on the PTA mom, and financial circuit as well, that says a lot. Mom never had to help us sell crap for band trips, pay for band trips, class rings, prom dresses(I bought my own when Austin took me),etc. whatever. Yeah, she took the time to teach us and stuff for 4 hours a day. But as far as emotional support, wanting to be personally involved in our lives, and just generally caring so far it has been a force to be reckoned with.
Sure it would be nice if mom financially supported her spawn occasionally, but I'm over that. I just wanted my mom to answer the phone tonight so I could share the multiple bits of good news that I have. But I'm guessing it's too much to answer the phone when your daughter calls you 20 times. Yes, 20.
It just kind of sucks to think, and try to accept even though I can't, that when I turn around that mom pretty much isn't going to be there to say, "Hey good job. I'm proud of you."
Instead when she actually DOES answer the phone she tells me, "I wish you'd make up your mind with what you want to do with your life I'm so exhausted with it. You're going to mess it up and be like Ed or Caroline."
Way to make me feel like total crap about my awesome scholarship.
All I wanted was to hear some excitement and pride in my mom's voice that her kid got a scholarship, is doing OK for herself, and all that jazz. Considering she's the one who made me promise her I would go to college and make sure I could take care of myself.
Yeah, I know my friends care. But it's so different when your mom doesn't expect you to be anything in life. It's a damn shitty feeling.
I get family envy so bad when my roommate tells me her and her parents and sister are going to dinner, or to the movies. Or on vacation together. I'm almost positive the last time my parents and I did something like that I was 12. I wish I had that. I wish I could call or text my mom 40 times a day like they do.
People always ask me why I'm a Daddy's girl. Easy, my amazing dad would move the earth, sun, moon, AND Pluto for me if he had to. If it meant taking care of his baby. My mom would ask how much it costs first and what was in it for her.
Yeah, I know, this sounds like a bunch of me talking crap about my mom but I don't think it's talking crap if it's all true. When things like this happen I feel like I am a terrible human being. I feel so bad. I had such a wonderful day today. The perfect day full of awesome news. And now it's dwindled into 5 pounds of crap in a 1 pound bag. I guess this was the SLAM after the nice stuff.
So why do I blog this instead of talking to my mom? Well, she's ignoring me. But, besides that. My dad always told me to be a woman who is loved and that classy never goes out of style. I'm not sure where this blog falls regarding the last part, but I digress. I'm a lover, not a fighter. I'm patient, just like my daddy, and I'll wait it out hoping I didn't do something too terribly wrong.
I'm sorry this blog was really personal. I promise to try and make these things happier.